Dear Front Office,
Hey guys, it’s Adrian. The offseason has been great, but everyday physical therapy gets repetitive. Apparently I did some damage to my back this season while trying to carry over 50 players for 17 weeks a in a row… I’m writing to ask for some offensive help.
I didn’t complain when you started Tarvaris Jackson as the “Quarterback of the Future.” Yes, the Tarvaris Jackson. The same guy who couldn’t beat out Matt “Heisman” Jones for the quarterback job at Arkansas. To be clear, this is the same Matt Jones who is now a wide receiver in the NFL (at least technically) and currently awaiting a drug charge sentence. Yeah, Tarvaris couldn’t beat that guy. Instead, he became an NCAA D-II all-star, a 2nd round draft pick, and my welcoming gift to the Minnesota Vikings. You guys said “Welcome to Minnesota! Good luck carrying the team! Here to help you is some guy who played at Alabama State!”
I also didn’t complain last offseason when you neglected to sign a spite-filled Brett Favre (who probably wouldn’t have minded playing the Pack twice a year). Sure, Brett Favre played in a lot of Pro Bowls, but Tarvaris Jackson must have played in some sort of high school all-star game, right? That’s almost the same thing… Instead of signing a top-caliber quarterback, you guys decided to add ANOTHER All-Pro on the defensive line. I am aware that Jared Allen is a stud. I’m also aware that he made our defensive line unstoppable. However, just because Pat Williams ate the last defensive end doesn’t mean we had to replace him with a multi-million dollar player! I know what you’re going to say, and yes I appreciate you drafting a quarterback that offseason. I’ll tell you what I don’t appreciate though… you drafting some guy named Booty out of some school with a potential quarterback curse. I’m sure you were as surprised as the rest of the world when Gus Frerotte didn’t solve our quarterback problem, but just a hint: John David Booty probably isn’t the answer either…
Lets cut to the chase: this team is one quarterback away from being a real contender. Yes, I said real contender, not just that team that won the NFC North and got pasted in the divisional round of the playoffs. It gets a little old watching Tarvaris throw a fly route as if it was a tribute to John Moxon tagging the mascot in Varsity Blues (the sad thing is that Tarvaris might actually be trying… poor kid). You want to know how bad this is getting? At one point last year I literally saw eleven defenders in the box… eleven! Tarvaris didn’t even audible to a pass. Instead, he audibled to an option, broke it outside, and Reggie-Bushed it for a short loss.
I know you’re probably happy with T-Jack, but if not I’ve heard of a few available quarterbacks who could provide some help. Here’s my two cents…
Matt Cassel – I’ll be blunt: can we please avoid this guy? Yeah, he had a great season and all, but is he really going to put up those numbers without Randy Moss, Wes Welker, the best O-Line in football, and the perennial top-5 New England defense? Not to mention that he received coaching from one of the best quarterbacks (that Brady guy) and best coaches (that Bilichek guy) of all time. Plus, if he joins Minnesota he won’t have access to the New England film vault (I’ve heard it’s quite impressive). I mean, I heard Matt was good in high school, so I guess him and Tarvaris could share a beer and talk about the varsity days. Unfortunately, Matt’s best game was probably against the South California School for the Blind or something like that. Here in Minnesota he won’t see competition like that… then again we do play Detroit every year… twice.
Mark Sanchez – I heard there’s talk of us trading up in the draft for this guy. Don’t do it! It’s not that Pete Carroll didn’t give him the stamp of approval, it’s just that things haven’t gone well for USC quarterbacks lately. Don’t think of Matt Cassel. Sure he played great this year, but he hadn’t played since high school and was plugged into a system that creates legends. Instead, think of guys like Carson Palmer. He used to be good, but he still hasn’t come back from knee surgery. I mean, his knee looks like Kimo von Oelhoffen is still sitting on it. Additionally, don’t get me started on former USC stud Matt Leinart. If you ever thought about signing Leinart, keep in mind that I probably have a stronger throwing arm. Look at how he’s played so far. I think I’ve seriously taken more snaps than he has, and other than one sub-par season, he’s just been hanging out on the bench. Now that I think of it, Mark Sanchez looks way too much like Matt Leinart for me to be comfortable drafting him. Are we completely sure that Matt Leinart didn’t go back to USC under the alias “Mark Sanchez” just to up his draft stock (and get the hell out of Arizona). It’s not like he had anything else to do… other than playing catch with Paris Hilton (wink wink) and throwing high school hot tub parties… I guess it wouldn’t be horrible drafting Leinart, I mean Sanchez, he could join another USC great (John David Booty) on the bench behind Gus Frerotte.
Jeff Garcia – Cassel is terrible, Sanchez is possible, but if you want my opinion… go get me Jeff Garcia. He’s no spring chicken, but you can’t argue with his results. Remember back in 2006 when he took the lifeless Eagles to the playoffs? Not to mention that he did it while throwing to some guy named Hank! If he can take Hank & Friends to the playoffs, imagine what he could do with Bernard Berrian. Speaking of Bernard, he called me the other day to talk about quarterbacks. Bernard said he is tired of going deep, tired of catching 1.7 passes per game, and tired of run-blocking against the defensive tackles that most team play outside to try and stop me… Think about Jeff Garcia. The guy just wins. Hes isn’t spectacular, but he gets the job done. Just plug him in for a few years and draft a young quarterback to play the Aaron Rodgers / Brett Favre game (hopefully not for seven years like Green Bay did). Garcia won’t cost much, as the demand for a 39 year-old quarterback isn’t great, so if he doesn’t work out just cut him loose. Hell, if he doesn’t work out we can just start the T-Jack experience all over again (I actually threw up a little while writing that).
Listen, I don’t mean to sound pushy, but running backs can only give you so many productive years in this league. If I don’t get help soon, I’ll probably end up at a rehab clinic with Ladainian Tomlinson in a couple of years. Starting the season with Tarvaris at the helm would be a worse decision than The Dark Knight not being nominated for “Best Picture” at the Oscars (who seriously thought that The Curious Case of Benjamin Button was better than The Dark Knight?).
I don’t ask for much, I don’t cause drama, I don’t run over parking attendants, and I don’t throw “boat parties.” All I do is try to win. I hope you guys can help me do just that.
Thanks so much for all you’ve done, but I hope that your two year run as a crew of Matt Millen impersonators has come to an end. Now can we find a real quarterback?